Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
