did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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