I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize