She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
