This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
