you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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