the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
