last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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