Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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