im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
