I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
