We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
