I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
