he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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