I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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