just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
did i walk over a car last night?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize