I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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