It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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