For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
