I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize