i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
