When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
