maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
