i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The air was thick with penises
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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