I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
