Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
