That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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