the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
