Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
