He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize