Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
