i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
