Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
