it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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