I faked an abortion last night.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Dear god my vagina.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
