420 ftw
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
