shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize