How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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