I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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