I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
