You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
