my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
