The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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