I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
