Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
