dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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