My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
