You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize
