Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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