Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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