If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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