so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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