Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
