So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
