Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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