4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
