its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
