this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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